After All
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: You watch him walk passed and you wish you could follow. You know something's going to go wrong this time but you can't do anything about it. And as soon as you see him when he returns, you know you're skills as a doctor aren't going to help.


**Title: After All**

**Summary: You watch him walk passed and you wish you could follow. You know something's going to go wrong this time but you can't do anything about it. And as soon as you see him when he returns, you know you're skills as a doctor aren't going to help. It's too late.**

**Author's Note: I really don't know where this came from. I guess it could be some sort of reaction to imminent exams? I don't know. But this happened and it would mean a lot of you reviewed. And Josie, I'm sorry for what happens here. It was going to end differently but I couldn't make it work.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Star Trek 2009. _**

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You watch him walk passed and you wish you could follow. You wish you could be where he is all the time. You can't though, and you know you can't. You have a job to do and you have to stay where you are and watch him go. You have to let him walk into danger every single day, never knowing if he'll come back alive. Equally, you could die too. Things could go wrong and you could get hurt but all you worry about is him. But you can never tell him you worry about him as more than a doctor would worry for a patient. Or at the most a friend for another friend. The thing is, you can't ignore the fact you love him.

As you lean on the wall outside the Medical Bay you watch him pull out his Phaser as he addresses some of the six ensigns he's taking with him and briefs them on what they're about to do. You feel your heart skip a beat as you wonder, for the hundredth time, if he'll be back again. You take a deep breath and just before you turn away, he catches you looking and gives you a brief smile. You immediately see through his plastered on bravery. You know him so well that you can tell from the slightly clouded look in his eyes that he's terrified. You know these things because after all, you love him, don't you?

"Catch ya later, Bones!" he calls to you as he turns to go to the shuttle. There are no more formalities left - just time for this goodbye. You've cleared the landing party for duty and he's given his orders. It's time for him to go. It's time for him to walk away from you again. It's time for him to put himself in a position where you wouldn't be able to scrape him off the ground instantly.

"Stay safe," you tell him quietly as you raise your hand in farewell. He grins back at you in that way that makes your heart flutter slightly. You hate the way he makes you feel – so weak, so powerless, so damn in love. But you love him. He turns and walks away and you feel a shadow cast over you. Something doesn't feel right this time. This is too much of a risk, too much of a stab in the dark, far too much is left to chance this time. He's always done that sort of thing but this time you don't want to let him go. But what can you do to stop him? He's the Captain. But he's also you're best friend and you care too much about him to see him hurt.

Before you can say anything, he's gone. You have to go back to your work so you turn away too and try and shake the bad feeling you've got. But like most bad things, it's hard to do. You return to the mundane task of sorting out bottles of medicines. You have too much time to think. You're not the emotional type normally but you always find yourself feeling this way when you think about him. Every time you're with him your world seems right. He makes you laugh. He gets you in trouble but most of the time you don't even care because that's just him and… and you love it.

You check your watch. Only a few minutes have passed. You carry on with your work. You check again. Thirteen minutes. Once again, you return to the task at hand and force yourself to avoid all thoughts of him. Surely it's been an eternity since he left, so you check your watch again. Half an hour. It continues this way for some time until finally you hear a voice over the loud speaker.

"Seven to beam up."

It isn't the right voice. Every inch of your body tenses. Every cell prepares itself for the worst.

"Medical Bay, two injured…"

Instinctively you charge through to the transporter room with your portable medical kit. You don't want to think what might have happened but you have to. It's your job to be prepared for the worst. You're a doctor. You have to be prepared for all eventualities.

"And the Captain… We've lost the Captain."

You burst into the room just as the group are landing and you stop suddenly as you take in the scene. You've just heard the message on the speaker and already you can tell from here your presence isn't going to do any good anymore. You already know he's… One of the ensigns slowly lowers the Captain to the ground with a grave expression and tears in his eyes. He takes a step off the landing pad towards you and you don't quite hear what's being said. You don't understand. All you hear is confused babble and you don't _want _to hear it either.

"No!" you yell. You aren't sure how you feel or even if you feel. Maybe you feel everything. Maybe you feel nothing. You don't know. You don't. You try to force this reality away as you take a step backwards as if you can just retrace your steps and rewind time. It's almost like you can just move away from this. But you can't. You know you can't.

You're world has ended. He was your world. But he didn't even know it. Now he never will know it. You'll never be able to just say to him, "Jim, I love you." It's what you've wanted to say for so long now but you were never brave enough. You walk over now and fall to your knees beside him and take his still-warm hand without even hearing what everyone else is saying around you. One of the ensigns is in tears in the corner but you don't look up. You're too consumed by this mind-numbing silence that's enveloping you so completely.

"Jim?" you whisper quietly as words build up inside you, ready to spill out. You can't hold yourself together for much longer. "Dammit, Jim!" The room is tense and icy cold. Everyone feels some sort of pain but you cannot imagine anyone feeling anything more painful than what you feel right now. You can't feel anything that hurts more than losing your best friend. You're only real friend. The one person you loved more than anything. What hurts even more is the fact you never told him.

Blood is pooling on the ground around him and you feel it soaking your knees where you're kneeling. You don't really care that you're getting covered in blood. You don't care about anything besides him right now. You wonder if you ever really did care about anything besides him.

Because, after all, you loved him.


End file.
